Anytime a person is struggling with sexual challenges, it can often feel like they are the only one experiencing this issue. Honesty, any challenges a person may face, whether in the bedroom or in life, can feel overwhelming and lonely.

I recently had a potential client call me to schedule an initial consultation for him and his wife. He briefly explained the issue they were dealing with and asked if I could help them. I knew I could help them and continued setting up our appointment.

I could hear the level of distress in this person’s voice. He explained the effect this was having on his personal life as well as his business life. After finalizing our appointment details, I asked if his wife knew he was setting up an appointment with me. He said, “No, but she wants to fix this issue, too.” I mentioned he should tell her about our phone call and then call me back to confirm our appointment.

The gentlemen called back within 15 minutes of our initial call to cancel the appointment. He said his wife doesn’t want to speak to a therapist about their issue.

Without going into the exact details of their issues, I knew they were dealing with a Mindset issue. Mindset has to do with a psychological shift in perception. Most people come to me with issues related to a lack of sexual skills or lack of sexual confidence, but what I usually notice is not a “lack of” issue; it’s a mindset-related obstacle.

I consider sex a monkey skill. Anyone can do it. But the nuance of sensuality, arousal, and eroticism is a Mindset.

In my previous career, I worked in prehospital medicine. I also became an instructor in that field, and we had a saying, “This is a monkey skill,” meaning I can teach anyone to start an IV or orally intubate a patient. However, the innate ability to perform these skills in various situations and to be able to troubleshoot the prehospital setting effectively is something a monkey could not do.

I consider sex a monkey skill. Anyone can do it. But the nuance of sensuality, arousal, and eroticism is a Mindset. Understanding the subtle shifts of sexual excitability, playfulness, heightened arousal, orgasm, and aftercare are the nuances of sex that people usually don’t understand. The Mindset shift from thinking, “I just want her to cum” to “How do I give her pleasure.” is beyond most people’s understanding of sexual encounters.

Next time you find yourself engaging in a sexual encounter, slow down and notice the feel of each other’s skin, the depth of your breath, and the excitement of arousal in yourself and your partner.

The goal of sex is pleasure, not orgasm. This is a Mindset!